Story Title: MY Love is Blind
Author: madz67
Profile Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/11824
Title 5/5
The title perfectly matches the plot of the story. =)
Foreword 7/10
Again, only a description was given, not a foreword. ^^ Please try to summarize the story into a paragraph and give some explanations about the characters.
Originality (Plot and Character Personalities) 15/15
Everything was new to me. I was expecting that the girl had an amnesia, but it turns out that she became blind. Unpredictable.
Flow 10/10
Easily followed, not confusing.
Writing Style 13/15
Your style in writing this story is better than in Life Together. However, there were still some parts wherein you used the same format of putting lines from all people in one paragraph. As much as possible, place them in separate paragraphs especially if you don’t want to describe how each sentence was stated.
“So what did you after you knew it?” I asked. “Well, me and my mother just settled here in Seoul for good. Currently we reside at my grandmother’s side. From that day onwards I wished that I would see how beautiful the world is once again. I want to see myself and everyone around me too.” I could tell how sad her life is with the tone of her speaking.
This somehow confused me at first. Most of the time, putting another statement after “I asked” or “I said” means that the next statement came from that person as well. Try using this format.
“So what did you do after you knew it?” I asked. After that, try describing what the next speaker did before speaking. She took a deep breath and said, . “Well, me and my mother just settled here in Seoul for good. Currently we reside at my grandmother’s side. From that day onwards I wished that I would see how beautiful the world is once again. I want to see myself and everyone around me too.”
Grammar 19/25
I saw pretty much errors here.
I, Kim Junsu was jogging beside the Han River everyday.
His jogging was done regularly. When an action is done regularly, it should take the present form: I, Kim Junsu, jogs beside the Han River everyday.
And using “beside” will give an impression of jogging right by the water of the river. Instead, use “by” to indicate that Junsu jogs in the river’s area everyday.
‘It's been an hour since I started jogging maybe I should take a rest.’ I thought inside my mind.
Thinking is done inside the mind, so you can omit that.
She was wearing an jacket, a black pants and flats.
“An” is used to refer to nouns starting with vowels. Use “a” for words beginning with a consonant. Also, you can delete the “a” before jacket since you already put it before jacket and you still refer to one thing anyway.
“Lee-Ann wait.” I shouted at her while I'm running.
The tense is in the past so you can use either the simple past or the past progressive form.
E.g. Lee-Ann, wait.” I shouted at her as I ran. or “Lee-Ann, wait.” I shouted at her while I was running.
Next, when you are talking to someone, remember to put a comma after of before your statement. It’d makes a lot of difference.
E.g. When you want to eat with your grandpa, you say “Let’s eat, grandpa.” When you omit the comme, it becomes “Let’s eat grandpa.” It turns out like you want to eat your grandfather. A WHOLE LOT DIFFERENT, HUH?
“It’s okay. Have a safe trip.” She smiled.
Putting she smiled after the boy’s statement makes it look like Lee-Ann was the one who spoke. Remember that when you write dialogs, you must describe the person who spoke or will speak. If you want to describe the reaction of the listener, use connectors.
E.g. “It’s okay. Have a safe trip.” I said making her smile.
Today I promise myself that I will go and find her someday. I just can’t lose My one and only love to disappear that easily.
The first underlined phrase would have been okay if you put it as a thought, but it was in the narration, so it should be “That day, I promised. . .”
Second, lose to disappear that easily doesn’t really make sense. Choose only one. It’s either “I just can’t lose my one and only love that easily.” Or “I just can’t let my one and only love disappear that easily.”
Me and my family reached the airport already.
Me is the objective form, however, it is used as the doer in the sentence, so it should be in the subjective form. When actions are done by the speaker and other people, the other people should be written first before the speaker.
E.g. My family and I reached the airport already.
Note: I saw this a couple of times in your story ^^
She started to cry after she told the story.
Better: She started to cry after telling the story.
Overall Enjoyment 15/15
I really enjoyed it and I felt Junsu’s love for Lee-Ann, and I loved the way I wasn’t able to predict that she was blind.
Bonus Points 1/5
For being unpredictable =)
Total Score: 85/100
Author’s Note: Make this useful =) Please don’t hate me for this ^^
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