madz67: The Paper

Story Title: The Paper

Story Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/20300/1/the-paper-korean-leejinki-lovestory-oneshot-onew-romance-schoollife

Author: madz67

Profile Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/11824

Title 4/5

It’s not perfectly understandable what they did with the paper. However, it is clear that the plot revolved around that piece of paper.

Foreword 6/10

No foreword again. :[

Originality (Plot and Character Personalities) 15/15

Plot was new to me =D And it’s cool that it’s somehow reflects the life of young school girls, asking guys to write on their slumbooks/autographs. :D

Flow 10/10

Perfect. There wasn’t any confusion in the flashback and present narrations. =)

Writing Style 18/20

Same as the first 2..xD Do I need to say it again?

Grammar 23/25

Here are the errors I noticed in your work.

“Eun Jae!” I shouted to my best friend whose running along the corridors.

“Whose” shows ownership. E.g. I shouted to my best friend whose hair fell gracefully down to her waist.

Change “whose” to “who’s” or “who was”

1) “It’s all because you popped on my mind first.” 2) Tears started to form on her eyes.

Change “on” to “in”

1) I threw the paper to her. 2) I quickly parked my car to the nearest place

Change “to” to “at”

1) She is still rubbing her arm which made me feel bad inside. 2) I noticed that her face is full of fear. 3) He isseriously scaring me. 4) I said and moved closer to where he is.

Is=was

I know she was annoyed so I laughed at her.

Know=knew

She said and slapped me in the arm.

Change it to “slapped my arm”

She walked towards the nearby bench and sat done.

Sat done=sat down

I noticed that she was already shivering so I took off my coat and put it to her.

To=on

“I just want to say sorry for how I acted towards you yesterday Eun Jae.” I said looked at her.

Change it to “I said as I looked at her”

“Why didn’t you tell earlier?”

It’s either you change it to “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” or “Why didn’t you say earlier?”

Her face was full with confusion.

With=of

She smiled at me my heart was felt like it was fluttering.

It’s better to say “She smiled at me making my heart flutter.”

I said shyly and put out an pen out of my pocket.

Put out=took out, an=a

I looked at her as she examines the paper.

Examines=examined

I know this will be the right time for her to know the truth.

I prefer “I knew it was the right time for her to know the truth.”

She said something that made me snapped back from reality.

Snapped=snap, from=to

I  put the paper down to her lap.

Change it to “down on my”

When I moved closer, he held my face with his hands.

With=in

Overall Enjoyment 15/15

The story’s so cute, especially when I knew that they have been friends for a long time already.

Bonus Points : 2

Clear with few minor errors and totally original storyline. =)

Total Score: 93/100

Author’s Note:

Hey! I just realized that including the bonus points in the total 100% wouldn’t make it “bonus”, so now it’s really bonus.. =)))) Hope you can use this =D